Marriage and Family Counseling New York Long Island Manhattan

Welcome to Relationship Solutions! Summer is finally here and I am so grateful to be writing with my windows open and a cool breeze coming through. I can hear the children splashing in the pool next door and enjoying their freedom. As I listen to them play, I begin to think about this month’s featured topic of divorce. These children seem so happy and all seems to be ok in their world. I can’t stop from imagining that their parents are doing well, not just being parents but also being a role model couple for these kids. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. We have clients coming into CCMFT daily struggling with their relationships. We want so much to help these folks improve their relationships and find peace.

I always say that relationships can be difficult, but so rewarding if we make conscious efforts towards success. Sometimes both parties are not willing to make efforts or have exhausted their solutions. It can be scary, frustrating and even disappointing to get to this point. Is there hope? I always believe there is if both people are willing to put in that effort. There are so many factors to consider when contemplating divorce--children being an important one.

I often encourage folks to consider all avenues, and to consider the possibility that there is another path that one may not see because they are so emotionally involved. Sometimes stepping back a bit allows you to see things with a wider lense. It can help put things into perspective and leave individuals feeling they have come to a decision that they consider carefully. Professional support can be an asset in helping a couple through this process.

This month’s article speaks to the topic of divorce and the impact on children. Some common myths that are associated with divorce and what professionals are saying about it. We hope you find this useful in your own situation or that you can pass it on to someone who may be struggling in their marriage.

The recent news of TLC’s Jon & Kate Plus 8 stars splitting up has been the topic of conversations from beauty salons to the evening news. As much as I enjoy shows about families and how they function—and television in general—I have shied away from this show since the first season for reasons I would be happy to discuss should you ask me in an email. But I digress…

To my knowledge we have not yet addressed the topic of divorce in this column, but perhaps the recent reality show announcement is an opportunity to discuss the issue now. Further fodder for this topic is a daily listserve email from Washington, D.C.-based SmartMarriages, which is also known as the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education.

In the correspondence over the past few weeks, various contributors have commented on the J&K situation and how we as professors of relationships can help send the message of “mend it—don’t end it.” It is with this influence that I write this article—and not with any slant or intended outcome as I believe that folks have to make their own choices and do what’s right for them. It’s simply an inspiration to address a topic that no doubt is current for many couples out there.

With the American divorce rate hovering around 40-50 percent depending on what research you read, it is clear that many folks are not completing their lifetime commitment—and for various reasons. Some decide that an incident of infidelity is cause for divorce while others simply may not have realized the level of work involved in maintaining a healthy, mature marriage. Still there are others who experience abuse of various kinds that lead to a decision to exit the relationship.

While the decision to split is a couple’s private choice, it does have a ripple effect on many people involved in that couple’s life—including any children who the couple may have brought in to the marriage as well as extended family and friends. Since the hot topic of the week seems to be “divorcing for the children’s sake,” and since the topic of divorce can be so broad, let us focus in this article on the effects of divorce on children.

Some experts are of the mind that “you don't get divorced for the children—that you learn to work out your differences and model for your kids what a relationship is, including how to argue for your relationship.” Let’s face it: as parents, you are the role models for relationships in your child or children’s lives. Think about your own family of origin experience for a minute—what did you learn about marriage or relationships? Good, bad or indifferent, parents have an influence on what kids learn and conceptualize about long-term relationships. And they in turn implement that knowledge into their own relationships with others. Interestingly, many times we explore this in our work in the therapy room to help folks understand family themes, roles and patterns that may affect a couple’s partnership.

Along the same vein, David Popenoe offers a discussion of the most common misinformation about divorce in his piece, “The Top Ten Myths of Divorce.” In this article, Popenoe also pens many statistical results of studies on the effect of divorce on children. Some of these include the following:

• Myth: Divorce may cause problems for many of the children who are affected by it, but by and large these problems are not long lasting and the children recover relatively quickly.

Divorce increases the risk of interpersonal problems in children. There is evidence, both from small qualitative studies and from large-scale, long-term empirical studies, that many of these problems are long-lasting. In fact, they may even become worse in adulthood.

• Myth: When parents don’t get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together.

A recent large-scale, long-term study suggests otherwise. While it found that parents’ marital unhappiness and discord have a broad negative impact on virtually every dimension of their children’s well-being, so does the fact of going through a divorce. In examining the negative impacts on children more closely, the study discovered that it was only the children in very high conflict homes who benefited from the conflict removal that divorce may bring. In lower-conflict marriages that end in divorce—and the study found that perhaps as many as two thirds of the divorces were of this type—the situation of the children was made much worse following a divorce. Based on the findings of this study, therefore, except in the minority of high-conflict marriages, it is better for the children if their parents stay together and work out their problems than if they divorces.

• Myth: Because they are more cautious in entering marital relationships and also have a strong determination to avoid the possibility of divorce, children who grow up in a home broken by divorce tend to have as much success in their own marriages as those from intact homes.

Marriages of the children of divorce actually have a much higher rate of divorce than the marriages of children from intact families. A major reason for this, according to a recent study, is that children learn about marital commitment or permanence by observing their parents. In the children of divorce, the sense of commitment to a lifelong marriage has been undermined.

In short, there is a plethora of research on this topic and more than likely a broad range of opinions from experts about what is best for children of divorce. In the end, if you are considering a split from your partner, you two have to decide what’s best for you as a couple and as a family. It is my hope as a marriage and family therapist that you’ve explored all of your options before arriving at your decision—whatever that may be.

It goes without saying that if you are reading this and are wavering on whether to stay together, I hope you would reach out for help from a professional to help you and your partner explore your past and your future—and to discuss your current and future roles in your child or children’s lives. Feel free to give us a call and we would be happy to set up an appointment to help support you in your journey to a decision about your relationship’s future. Be well.
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Sidebar

Ironically, I caught the end of the movie “The Story of Us” with Michelle Pfeiffer and Bruce Willis this past weekend. I thought the following quote was interesting—what do you think? Email me at andrea@couplesandfamilies.com.

“There's a history and histories don't happen overnight. In Mesopotamia or Ancient Troy or somewhere back there, there were cities built on top of other cities, but I don't want to build another city. I like this city. I know where we keep the Bactine, and what kind of mood you're in when you wake up by which eyebrow is higher. And you always know that I'm a little quiet in the morning and compensate accordingly. That's a dance you perfect over time.

And it's hard, it's much harder than I thought it would be, but there's more good than bad. And you don't just give up. And it's not for the sake of the children, but they're great kids aren't they? And we made them - I mean think about that - there were no people there and then there were people. And they grew. And I won't be able to say to some stranger, ‘Josh has your hands’ or ‘Remember how Erin threw up at the Lincoln Memorial?’”

Comments or questions? Email us at info@couplesandfamilies.com.

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Reserve your spot now for our two group programs!

Marriage Prep: A Toolbox for Today’s Couples

Our new premarital program is a culmination of years of experience in helping folks prepare for and maintain healthy marriages. This 10-session program gives you the beginner’s tools that most likely no one ever told you about—it is a toolbox of topics that newlyweds commonly present in couples treatment.

Here is your chance to get a head start and likely avoid or greatly reduce many newlywed arguments! With our program, you and your partner can get off to a terrific start—and the honeymoon may not ever end!

• Identify family of origin issues that impact your relationship

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• Gain tools to effectively deal with popular topics in new marriages including communication, sex and money

• Learn how to establish healthy boundaries in your marriage

*It is important to note that while we do not have a religious piece to the program, the topic is one that can be included if the client desires.

Let us help you and your partner begin your journey of commitment on a healthy track.

Contact us today for information about fees and meeting locations. If you are unable to attend group sessions, or desire a more personalized format, we can customize the program to weekly sessions for you and your partner.

$600 10 week program

*Payment plans available.

$125 initial intake session (each couple is required to meet with the group facilitator prior to starting the group for 45 minutes)

**Credit Card, Cash, and Check accepted at this time.

$125-$135 for individual (one-on-one) sessions (45-minute sessions). Payment collected at each individual session.

Contact us today! (212) 537-9313 or (516) 665-7889 ext. 1
Reserve your spot today or to talk with a therapist regarding our other services.
email: info@couplesandfamilies.com

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Learn effective tools for dealing with anger in your relationships. Anger is an emotion that we all experience when we feel vulnerable or attacked. The group will teach you effective ways for managing and expressing anger. Anger is explored in the context of relationships and tools for improving relationships will be provided. The goals of the 10-week program are:

• To increase awareness of anger expression patterns
• To learn how our anger experience is shaped by our development and what we can learn from our family and environment
• To identify current and past situations that fuel anger
• To identify responsibilities in the current anger situation that resulted in either a self or outside referral
• To develop specific ways to de-escalate potentially violent situations
• To decrease verbal and physical manifestations of anger, aggression, or violence while increasing awareness and acceptance of emotions

*Participants will receive a certificate of completion.

Saturdays~ Manhattan Office

(Individual sessions available on Mondays-Saturdays Manhattan and Rockville Centre Offices)

Contact us to register and reserve your spot!

$600 10 week program

*Payment plans available.

$80 initial intake session for group only (each participant is required to meet with the group facilitator prior to starting the group for 45 minutes)

**Credit Card, Cash, and Check accepted at this time.

$125-$135 for individual (one-on-one) sessions (45-minute sessions). Payment collected at each individual session.

Contact us today! (212) 537-9313 or (516) 665-7889 ext. 1
Reserve your spot today or to talk with a therapist regarding our other services.
email: info@couplesandfamilies.com