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Relationship Solutions
E-Newsletter
Table of Content
I.
Message from the Director
II.
Featured Article
IV.
Upcoming Event
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Message from the
Director
Hello and welcome to
another edition of Relationship Solutions!
I am so full of energy today and excited to
be sharing with all of you. I spent the
morning walking my dog and I actually think
that I FINALLY wore him out (he is snoring
away by my side as I type). It felt so
invigorating to get out and walk today. I
took this walk as an opportunity to reflect
on the week. What I realized, after a
pretty busy week of phone calls from
prospective clients, is that so many people
are feeling unsure as to how there
relationships have become so difficult.
They can’t understand how they got to where
they are, and feeling even more uncertain as
how to fix things. I always reassure these
individuals that they are not alone and I
receive so many calls hearing the same
thing. Let’s face it, maintaining
satisfaction is not easy--relationships are
not easy.
I think recently and
possibly due to the secrets being released
by our politicians, that we are hearing more
of the same issues in the families that we
make contact with. Many couples and
families are hurting as a result of a new
found secret. Secrets can be very difficult
to hold onto and to share. Often times
support is needed to help a person(s) to
effectively deal with this new information
and how to move ahead. There are, however,
advantages and disadvantages to sharing a
secret and it is up to you to decide what
might be best in your particular situation.
We encourage any of you dealing with a
secret to think about whether this is
holding you back in your life, your
relationships, your growth, etc. This
month’s newsletter addresses the issue of
secrets in relationships and its impact.
We hope you enjoy and
you are all welcome to contact us with any
questions or comments on this topic. Until
next time…best wishes!
Warmly,
Cari Sans
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Featured Article
Psst…do you want to
know a secret?
The topic of secrets is
a popular one due to current events outlined
in the media. Although the recent
government scandal is a subject that we will
resist comment on, it provides an
opportunity to discuss how secrets can
affect your relationships.
People keep secrets,
large and small for a variety of reasons.
Sometimes, we don’t want to hurt our nearest
and dearest and would choose to internalize
information rather than impede pain on
them. Sometimes, we just don’t want to face
the music because the consequences might be
too devastating. So, we end up avoiding the
issue at all costs.
This can be problematic
in a multitude of ways. First, it increases
and maintains distance between two loved
ones. Second, it increases stress for the
secret-holder. Third, it is bound to cause
feelings for all parties involved, including
mistrust, frustration and resentment.
Sometimes these secrets linger for many
years, bottling up inside of the
secret-holder until it is too much to bear
and the secret-holder begins acting out in
various ways. Acting out can also result in
the aforementioned feelings as well.
The other option—to
come clean to a loved one—can be difficult
and painful. Depending on the severity of
the secret, it can have a multitude of
effects which can affect the rest of the
family and have long-lasting consequences.
When a member of a
family is holding on to a secret it causes
distance within the context of the family of
creation and may even cause distance in the
family of origin. Think about your own
family for a minute. There are probably
some taboo subjects or incidents that no one
talks about. For instance, a cousin who is
addicted to alcohol, or a sister who
committed a crime. Often times, these
topics are too painful to deal with and a
family who has a closed system of
communication will avoid the topics at all
costs.
What are the problems
that might come out of this avoidance? As
with the idea of avoidance in general, one
may feel a sliver of comfort or relief in
not addressing the issue. However as the
saying goes, if you sweep enough under the
rug, eventually you are going to trip.
Meaning, it is bound to come out sooner or
later in some form. In addition, the person
who has the issue may have less of a
conscious support system, and ultimately may
not get the help that they need. This is
unfortunate because they are probably really
hurting.
As another example of
secrets, let’s say a partner is having an
extra marital affair (EMA). For purposes of
definition, an EMA is anything outside of
the marriage or committed relationship and
can run the gamut from emotional to sexual.
When a partner goes outside of the
relationship, it is often a symptom of a
greater primary relationship problem. These
primary problems can include a long-standing
disconnect due to a lifecycle change, or
some may say a sexual addiction. No matter
what the primary issue is, it is important
to uncover it so that the couple can heal
and move forward.
Due to a variety of
influences from religious beliefs, cultural
mores, family themes and so on, our society
tends to focus on the symptom and not the
problem. Thusly, the affair is often a
“dealbreaker” in relationships and one or
more partners choose to leave. This in and
of itself can set the stage for a series of
unhealthy relationships in the future and
the partners may be depriving themselves of
the gift of self-awareness that proper
counseling can bring.
For reasons including
those outlined above, EMAs are often kept
secret. However, if a partner is courageous
enough to come forward, the focus could be
to examine the root of the problem and then
restructure the relationship so that the
couple can move forward stronger and more
healthily. For this reason, an affair can
be the best thing that ever happened to a
marriage.
The above example is
probably the most extreme in the case of
partners, but the idea of keeping secrets
from a loved one, no matter how severe we
deem them, is a concept that one might think
about examining more closely.
Telling
secrets…advantages and disadvantages…
- Advantage—Telling
the truth is usually better than having
your partner stumble upon it, thereby
reestablishing the importance of your
relationship with your partner and
reducing distance
- Advantage—In the
case of an EMA, telling may increase
your chances of staying faithful
- Advantage—Telling
your secret may bring awareness to your
partner about what’s upsetting you
before it’s too late
-
Disadvantage—Telling your partner might
crush your partner’s spirit to the point
of not ever being repaired
-
Disadvantage—Telling your partner might
create an obsessive focus on the issue
and will prevent the two of you from
examining the problem that caused it
- Disadvantage—You
believe your partner will physically
harm you
Comments or
suggestions? Email
andrea@couplesandfamilies.com.
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Upcoming Event
10-Week Anger Group in the
Manhattan Office Starting Soon!
We are close to starting our next Anger
Management program in the Manhattan office.
We are hoping for a few more individuals to
reserve a spot and hope to start soon. If you are interested in this
group, please contact our Intake Coordinator
at (212) 537-9313 ext. 1 to reserve a spot
today.
Learn effective
tools for dealing with anger in your
relationships. Anger is an emotion that we
all experience when we feel vulnerable or
attacked. The group will teach you effective
ways for managing and expressing anger.
Anger is explored in the context of
relationships and tools for improving
relationships will be provided. The goals of
the 10-week program are:
• To increase awareness of anger expression
patterns
• To learn how our anger experience is
shaped by our development and what we can
learn from our family and environment
• To identify current and past situations
that fuel anger
• To identify responsibilities in the
current anger situation that resulted in
either a self or outside referral
• To develop specific ways to de-escalate
potentially violent situations
• To decrease verbal and physical
manifestations of anger, aggression, or
violence while increasing awareness and
acceptance of emotions
*Participants will receive a certificate of
completion.
Reserve your spot for one of our groups now!
A new group starting
soon--register today!
Saturdays 11:00am-12:30pm;
Manhattan Office
(Individual sessions
available on Mondays-Saturdays Manhattan and
Rockville Centre Offices)
Contact us to register and reserve your
spot!
Fees:
$60 per group session (each 10 week
session)
$80 initial intake
session (each participant is required to
meet with the group facilitator prior to
starting the group for 45 minutes)
How payment is collected:
50% of group fee ($300) is collected at
the initial intake session along with the
initial intake fee ($80). The
remaining payment of $300 is collected at
the 5th group session. Credit Card, Cash,
and Check
accepted at this time.
$125 for individual
(one-on-one) sessions (45-minute sessions).
Payment collected at each individual
session.
Contact us today! (212)
537-9313 ext. 1
Reserve your spot today for next 2008 Anger Management Group or to talk with
a therapist regarding our other services.
email:
cari@couplesandfamilies.com
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The
Relationship
Solutions
newsletter
is written
with
relationships
in mind.
Our staff,
trained in
marriage and
family
therapy, are
dedicated to
helping
individuals,
couples and
families
improve
their
relationships.
Every month
you will
find
effective
tools for
building the
kind of
relationship
that works,
and feel
confident
about how to
make the
changes you
need. If you
are
struggling
with a
relationship,
maybe with
your spouse,
spouse-to-be,
your parent,
sibling or
your
children,
then contact
Counseling
Corner for
Marriage and
Family
Therapy,
P.C., and
find out how
we can help.
Get help
with
resolving
relationship
problems and
feel
empowered to
resolve
future
issues!
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Disclaimer:
Relationship Solutions was
created to provide useful
tidbits, to trigger thoughts
and provide resources. It is
not intended in any way to
be therapeutic. If you
believe you require further
assistance than is provided
here, please contact a
trained psychotherapist.
Contact Us for further
assistance and resources.
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