Marriage and Family Counseling New York Long Island Manhattan

As I write this today, snowflakes are falling outside my window. I know winter is near and the holiday season is in full mode. I also know that the year is coming to an end and a new year is about to begin. A new year often means new resolutions. Our attitudes shift to wanting to better ourselves or our lives in some way. How about starting early this year? It is not too early to get started and begin achieving the changes you have been considering. Would you like things in your marriage or in your home to improve? Maybe you’ve been dealing with a difficult employee or co-worker and want to learn ways to effectively resolve conflict. Maybe you just need to slow down and set some boundaries in your life. Well, slow down a little this season and find the time, and most importantly, the support in someone you can trust to help you through whatever challenges you may be faced with. Make your new year’s resolution early this year!

Since we know that the holiday season can be stressful and family/social gatherings are part of the festivities shared, our newsletter is focused on how to get started on improving the type of encounters you have with others and how to emotionally survive the season. We wish all of you the smoothest transition into the new year and are here to support you!

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Announcements

Like it or not, the holidays are fast approaching. For some folks, this is a time of relaxation with family yet for others a source of profound anxiety. Whether it’s running around finding the perfect gift, or stocking up on ingredients for traditional holiday foods, it can be a harried time for some. It is especially stressful for those who may be stuck in their relationships with family members.

These folks are most likely truly dreading the holidays—this may be you. What to do? First, it might be helpful to mentally review what got you to the point of dread and assign responsibility in the relationship(s). Ideally, this will involve the arduous chore of taking some responsibility of your own. It is difficult sometimes to practice this task—I mean, who wants to admit they might be wrong? However, it is essential to your interpersonal growth and development and ultimately to your relationships.

Second, since the holidays are often a time to make amends, you might consider letting some of that magical spirit in your heart and do so. Keep in mind that the aim is long-term change, not temporary. So, it might not be wise to “make up” for the sake of the holiday if you are not sincere and intent on carrying it throughout the new year. In short, don’t say it if you don’t mean it.

As a related aside, there are many people out there who are masters at their acting craft. I am sure that many of us can think of people whom we know are skillful at presentation on holidays but underneath are bubbling with a myriad of emotions. This is very common in families with closed systems of communication, and often rooted or related to family themes of “children should be seen and not heard,” or “big boys don’t cry.” If you’ve been taught your whole life that your feelings are not to be expressed, then you are less likely to be truly emotionally connected to your partner or other significant people in your life.

If you’ve decided to make amends, you might want to approach that person in a non-threatening manner. Remember to take responsibility, use your Fair Fighting techniques and throw in an “I statement” if appropriate. For instance, you’ll want to stay away from the following: “Uncle Joe, I think you are a dirty rat because you did x, y, and z.” This puts U.J. on the defensive and he might bark back at you and then in less than two seconds you might be screaming at each other—which ultimately distances the two of you and is counter-productive.

A healthier approach might be: “Uncle Joe, I would like to address our issue—do you have a few moments to talk privately?” This approach manages expectations and gives the other person the opportunity to deny the request, which s/he has every right to do.

Let’s hope Uncle Joe gives you a few moments in a separate room away from the rest of the fam, where you might begin with, “Last April when you said/did x, y, and z, I felt hurt and rejected. I also realize that my responding with comments a, b and c may have upset you as well. Can we talk about that issue?” Hopefully U.J. might say something like, “I didn’t know that you felt that way. Here’s what I intended…” And continue the conversation in a constructive manner, hopefully ending in sincere apologies and a renewed relationship.

Now, if U.J. is not able to hear you, he might come back with a defensive statement, to which you might consider asking him to just hear you and point out that he doesn’t have to agree with you, but a simple validation is all that you are searching for. Should this go awry, you then might table the conversation by saying something like, “Perhaps we should consider talking about this at another time,” and follow up later.

The moral of this example is that you can’t always expect someone to be ready to hear you. However, getting your message out is helpful so that you don’t walk around with your part in the unresolved conflict, which may cause resentment toward the other person(s) involved and the creation of even more hostility that becomes bottled up and no doubt will explode at some point.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention another reason why folks dread the holidays, and this involves the loss of a loved one. For many folks, the holidays are a difficult time as they are simply missing their relative who passed away. For some bereaved folks, it is common for this to heighten at this time due to holiday themes of family togetherness and the like.

If this is you, it might be helpful to simply talk about the loved one you are missing. You also might consider setting aside some time to recall fond memories, or share pictures and stories with other relatives. This simple act can do wonders for one who is missing their departed. It celebrates the memory of that person and provides a source of comfort. It also may open dialogue for other family members who may be less inclined to share, perhaps due to the aforementioned closed systems of communication. So, by helping yourself, you might be helping someone else—and isn’t that the perfect gift?

Whatever holiday you celebrate, it is my sincere hope that you have a festive and joyous one. Good luck and good tidings! Be well.

10-Week Anger Group in the Manhattan Office

We are close to starting our next Anger Management program in the Manhattan office. We are hoping for a few more individuals to reserve a spot and hope to start by the year's end. If you are interested in this group, please contact our Intake Coordinator at (212) 537-9313 ext. 1 to reserve a spot today.

Learn effective tools for dealing with anger in your relationships. Anger is an emotion that we all experience when we feel vulnerable or attacked. The group will teach you effective ways for managing and expressing anger. Anger is explored in the context of relationships and tools for improving relationships will be provided. The goals of the 10-week program are:
• To increase awareness of anger expression patterns
• To learn how our anger experience is shaped by our development and what we can learn from our family and environment
• To identify current and past situations that fuel anger
• To identify responsibilities in the current anger situation that resulted in either a self or outside referral
• To develop specific ways to de-escalate potentially violent situations
• To decrease verbal and physical manifestations of anger, aggression, or violence while increasing awareness and acceptance of emotions

*Participants will receive a certificate of completion.

Fees:
$60 per group session
$80 for initial intake (required for participation)
*$125 for individual , couple or family (one-on-one) sessions (45-minute sessions)

*available in Manhattan and LI office

Contact us today! (212) 537-9313 ext. 1
Reserve your spot today for next 2007 Anger Management Group or to talk with a therapist regarding our other services.
email: cari@couplesandfamilies.com