Marriage and Family Counseling New York Long Island Manhattan

Welcome to the February edition of Relationship Solutions! It is so nice to be writing this as the sun is shining through my office window. Besides the sunshine lighting my spirits, I am very happy to be heading on vacation in less than 48 hours. Beach here I come!! It is also very nice that I have amazing therapists working on my team to help relieve me of any worries while I am away. I count my blessings each day for all the goodness in my life.

Now that Valentine’s Day has come and gone, the flowers are starting to dry up and the chocolates are all eaten, it is so easy to move away from being conscious about our relationship. V-day is not always filled with “sweet nothings,” it often can breed anger and resentment. When our expectations are not met and we are disappointed, this and other feelings are usually presented as anger. Sometimes these types of celebrated holidays create more anger and resentment in a relationship, and left to simmer will eventually boil over and burn the relationship. The good news is that anger can be useful if it is used correctly, and can create intimacy between two people when we communicate from the core.

This month’s edition provides useful tips on how to make good use of our feeling of anger and create a flowing dialogue between the two of you. We wish you much success with creating a successful relationship!

Warm wishes,

Anger in Relationships

On the heels of holidays such as Valentine’s Day and Marriage Week USA, this time of year can be a catalyst to reevaluate your partnership as well as all the relationships in your life. Where are you at? Are you happy? Complacent? Wish you were out? What is happening on a daily basis? Has the recent economic slump caused tension between you two? Are you arguing more? Are you angry with your partner?

While the recent holidays can offer an opportunity to reflect on your relationship’s positive attributes, it can also promote frustration and anxiety in a couple for a variety of reasons; such as the relationship not turning out to be what you thought. This often can result in becoming angry at your spouse or partner and may also result in some confrontations around same.

Interestingly, while pondering this topic for our newsletter, I received a request from a reporter who requested some recommendations for healthy ways for couples to deal with anger. Perfect timing! Her query inspired me to open the topic of anger with you, our loyal readers, and discuss ways in which you might be able to healthily handle it in your relationship.

First, it is important to note that anger is a valid feeling just like any other. However, if it is handled in an unhealthy manner, it can lead to disturbances in your primary partnership as well as other relationships such as those with your children, work colleagues, friends, and so on. It can also adversely affect your physical health.

Anger is often a “mask” for other feelings that are hiding underneath. Some of these “hidden” feelings can include frustration, dissatisfaction, and the like. Working to get to “what’s underneath the anger” can be extremely helpful in your relationship. In that case, you may want to seek out treatment or attend an anger management group--like the one that we offer at our Manhattan location.

In the meantime, if anger has entered your relationship, here are some healthy ways to deal with it so that it does not become overwhelming. These steps are designed to reduce hostility, gain respect for one another, and promote a more balanced, healthy, communicative and respectful partnership.

• First, identify what the issue is in your mind. Is it that last outburst or has it been building up over a series of events? For instance, what happened before the coffee pot broke and you lost your cool? Perhaps there were a couple of events leading up to the “straw that broke the camel’s back,” such as your partner not fulfilling his or her chore duties or parenting responsibilities.

• Second, manage your expectations. Think about what you want to achieve in the upcoming confrontation and be realistic about how it may be received from your partner. Also, consider outcomes that may be acceptable to you.

• Next, utilize “I Statements.” For instance, “Honey, when you said _____, I felt _____.” This format is direct and succinct, and also allows you to be vulnerable and invest in your relationship. Chances are that if you take this approach, then your partner will respond in a less hostile manner. It also allows for you to take responsibility for your feelings and not blame your partner—which promotes more harmony.

• Fourth, remember to fight fair. Some of these “fair fighting” techniques include not hitting below the belt, not calling names (other than “Honey” or “Dear”), and not stockpiling your emotions. There is a well-known saying about sweeping problems under the rug and eventually tripping over the pile.

• Fifth, utilize your active listening skills. If you put it “out there,” be prepared to hear your partner’s opinions and feelings. Acknowledge your partner’s message by stating something like, “I hear that you feel ____,” or “I heard you say _______.” Follow up by asking if you understood it correctly, and give your partner the opportunity to make adjustments to his or her message.

• Next, validate one another’s points of views. Remember that validating is not agreeing. Each partner’s points of view are valid even if you don’t agree. This action demonstrates respect for the relationship and one another. Try something like, “I can see how that would make sense to you.”

• Seventh, create a compromise about the issue. Remember that compromise is when both people lose. Both partners have to be willing to give on each end so that the relationship wins. You can do this by making a “fair request” to your partner, inviting him or her to make suggestions to a solution and working until both are satisfied with the agreement.

• Eighth, check in with one another about the solution. Is it working? If not, then discuss further and create another compromise. And celebrate! You’ve just scored a goal for “Team You Two.”

• Lastly, if you are feeling overwhelmed in the relationship, it may be helpful to seek out couples counseling with a qualified professional. You can always call us—we would be happy to help you out!

Reserve your spot now for our two group programs!

Marriage Prep: A Toolbox for Today’s Couples

Our new premarital program is a culmination of years of experience in helping folks prepare for and maintain healthy marriages. This 10-session program gives you the beginner’s tools that most likely no one ever told you about—it is a toolbox of topics that newlyweds commonly present in couples treatment.

Here is your chance to get a head start and likely avoid or greatly reduce many newlywed arguments! With our program, you and your partner can get off to a terrific start—and the honeymoon may not ever end!

• Identify family of origin issues that impact your relationship

• Assess your couple traits and how these may affect your marriage

• Learn healthy ways to build relationships with in-laws

• Gain tools to effectively deal with popular topics in new marriages including communication, sex and money

• Learn how to establish healthy boundaries in your marriage

*It is important to note that while we do not have a religious piece to the program, the topic is one that can be included if the client desires.

Let us help you and your partner begin your journey of commitment on a healthy track.

Contact us today for information about fees and meeting locations. If you are unable to attend group sessions, or desire a more personalized format, we can customize the program to weekly sessions for you and your partner.

$600 10 week program

*Payment plans available.

$125 initial intake session (each couple is required to meet with the group facilitator prior to starting the group for 45 minutes)

**Credit Card, Cash, and Check accepted at this time.

$125-$135 for individual (one-on-one) sessions (45-minute sessions). Payment collected at each individual session.

Contact us today! (212) 537-9313 or (516) 665-7889 ext. 1
Reserve your spot today or to talk with a therapist regarding our other services.
email: info@couplesandfamilies.com

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Learn effective tools for dealing with anger in your relationships. Anger is an emotion that we all experience when we feel vulnerable or attacked. The group will teach you effective ways for managing and expressing anger. Anger is explored in the context of relationships and tools for improving relationships will be provided. The goals of the 10-week program are:

• To increase awareness of anger expression patterns
• To learn how our anger experience is shaped by our development and what we can learn from our family and environment
• To identify current and past situations that fuel anger
• To identify responsibilities in the current anger situation that resulted in either a self or outside referral
• To develop specific ways to de-escalate potentially violent situations
• To decrease verbal and physical manifestations of anger, aggression, or violence while increasing awareness and acceptance of emotions

*Participants will receive a certificate of completion.

Saturdays 12:30pm-2:00pm; Manhattan Office

(Individual sessions available on Mondays-Saturdays Manhattan and Rockville Centre Offices)

Contact us to register and reserve your spot!

$600 10 week program

*Payment plans available.

$80 initial intake session (each participant is required to meet with the group facilitator prior to starting the group for 45 minutes)

**Credit Card, Cash, and Check accepted at this time.

$125-$135 for individual (one-on-one) sessions (45-minute sessions). Payment collected at each individual session.

Contact us today! (212) 537-9313 or (516) 665-7889 ext. 1
Reserve your spot today or to talk with a therapist regarding our other services.
email: info@couplesandfamilies.com