Marriage and Family Counseling New York Long Island Manhattan

Welcome to our July edition of Relationship Solutions! This edition comes a bit later than usual but we think you will enjoy this second part of a series on Wedding Bells are Ringing. We will be offering a 10-week group program for pre-marital couples this September, so contact us to find out more details and/or pass this along to a friend(s) that might find the program helpful.

The summer is always a busy time for us, at least up until August. Usually people believe that a therapy practice slows this time of year but I am finding that it usually does not. We get many calls from couples that are to be married in a very short time and feeling uncertain about that wedding day. Some people may call this “pre-wedding jitters.” This can be very confusing for any couple who has spent much time and money into the planning of their big day. This planning can also create a lot of stress and bring out relationship conflicts between people. Whether the conflict is between the couple, a partner and the future in-laws, a partner and his or her own family, it can be strenuous for all involved. Learning to establish healthy boundaries now is one of the keys to making this day something special for the couple and for the longevity of the marriage.

Part two of our Wedding Bells are Ringing series focuses on how to handle in-laws during this special time. We invite you to contact us with any questions you may have regarding this topic or just general questions on creating successful relationships.

We know not all of you are in the pre-marital stage of your relationship but we would like to invite you to read the article and put the ideas in the context of your own particular lives and relationships. We are certain you can use these tips for all your relationships!

In our second supplement in the Wedding Bells feature, we will examine relationships with families of origin as well as the complications that can ensue. We will also take a look at some reasons why this happens as well as what you might be able to do about it.

As I type this, it is difficult for me to not think of experiences in my own family of origin. Here’s the disclaimer (like at the end of a movie): If there is any similarity to any persons living or dead, it is completely coincidental. I also vow to change the names to protect the guilty. But I digress.

The topic of in-law relationships is one that has been the subject of movies, songs and punchlines for years. Although blending two families together ideally and often is cause for celebration, many times it can raise questions of loyalties and challenge boundaries.

Why does this happen? Some will say that this is out of a family’s fear of “losing” their child. Some will say that this is due to learned behavior from previous generations, or unspoken family rules about “newcomers.” In some cases there may be a psychosis present—which is a whole different article in itself.

Whatever the reason, when two people decide to spend their lives together, a shift in boundaries needs to occur so that the members of the couple can begin their journey in a healthy and focused way.

This shift from family of origin to family of creation often raises loyalty issues for all. Most of the time it is simply difficult for these family members to adjust since they have been operating in their particular roles for so long. The shift can also be difficult for the members of the couple since often times they might feel torn between the two entities. The challenge then becomes how to balance it all out. More on that later.

As you and your partner merge your lives, it is important to become familiar with each other’s families of origin. Exploring what each person’s environmentally-learned view of what marriage is, as well as belief systems, family rules, expectations of roles, traditions and culture are all important to learn about. As an aside, it might be helpful to draw out a genogram (family map) to examine the cast of characters and learn who’s aligned with whom, family themes, and so on.

Why is it a good idea to get to know this information in the beginning of your commitment? Because it manages expectations. Surely our families influenced who we are in many ways. And getting the basic info down from the get-go is extremely helpful as you will become more able to understand who your partner is and what s/he brings to the relationship. It’s a way of enhancing your emotional intimacy, really.

Armed with this information, you as a couple can make decisions as to whether you want to continue family traditions, roles and rules. Should you decide to continue said entities, then you will probably have few difficulties with your families of origin. More often than not, however, a couple will establish their own traditions, roles and rules. This is where it may get ugly.

How does a couple handle this in general? First, you have to remember that you are your own family now. Second, manage your own expectations. Although your families most likely love you very much, they are probably going to have a difficult time with your new boundary. Third, remember that you can draw boundaries in a healthy and respectful way. Hopefully, the person or persons who you are drawing boundaries from is/are emotionally healthy enough to respect them.

How does one accomplish this? Since there are myriad scenarios, we’ll pick a common one in which to demonstrate drawing a boundary with a family of origin member.

Scene: It’s your first Thanksgiving together as a married couple. His family of origin has a tradition of gathering all day for appetizers, a big turkey dinner with assigned seating, a plethora of decadent desserts and of course, a football game or two. Her family has a similar tradition of gathering for the entire day as well.

Families of Origin expectation: The couple will attend one family’s festivities for the entire day.

Couple desire: To share the day with both families as they would like to enhance relationships on both sides.

Solution: Each member of the couple addresses their respective families of origin and politely says something like, “Mom and Dad, I really appreciate your offer to spend all of Thanksgiving Day with our family. (Partner) and I would like to visit with both families, so we have made arrangements to spend the dinner portion with you and the dessert portion with (partner’s) family. We are really looking forward to coming. Is there anything that we can bring?”

This is just a sample of what it is like to draw a healthy boundary. In the beginning, you may also be prepared to hear some griping after you’ve drawn the line. However, you have to stay strong as you continue to draw the boundary around your couplehood. And remember that the griping may be just have originated in that aforementioned feeling of fear.

Hopefully this article has offered some helpful suggestions in expanding and enhancing your familial relationships. Of course, it is merely a springboard and will take a lot of work over time. Hopefully it will result in healthy, comfortable and productive relationships. Best of luck to you as you move forward in your lives together. And of course, if we can be of assistance, please don’t hesitate to call.

Lee Schnebly, a marriage counselor based in Arizona, offers some guidelines on getting along with your in-laws. From her book, “Being Happy Being Married,” here are some tips:

Reserve your spot now for our two group programs!

Marriage Prep: A Toolbox for Today’s Couples

Our new premarital program is a culmination of years of experience in helping folks prepare for and maintain healthy marriages. This 10-session program gives you the beginner’s tools that most likely no one ever told you about—it is a toolbox of topics that newlyweds commonly present in couples treatment.

Here is your chance to get a head start and likely avoid or greatly reduce many newlywed arguments! With our program, you and your partner can get off to a terrific start—and the honeymoon may not ever end!

• Identify family of origin issues that impact your relationship

• Assess your couple traits and how these may affect your marriage

• Learn healthy ways to build relationships with in-laws

• Gain tools to effectively deal with popular topics in new marriages including communication, sex and money

• Learn how to establish healthy boundaries in your marriage

*It is important to note that while we do not have a religious piece to the program, the topic is one that can be included if the client desires.

Let us help you and your partner begin your journey of commitment on a healthy track.

Contact us today for information about fees and meeting locations. If you are unable to attend group sessions, or desire a more personalized format, we can customize the program to weekly sessions for you and your partner.

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10-Week Anger Management Group (Manhattan Office)

We are close to starting our next Anger Management program in the Manhattan office. We are hoping for a few more individuals to reserve a spot and hope to start soon. If you are interested in this group, please contact our Intake Coordinator at (212) 537-9313 ext. 1 to reserve a spot today.

Learn effective tools for dealing with anger in your relationships. Anger is an emotion that we all experience when we feel vulnerable or attacked. The group will teach you effective ways for managing and expressing anger. Anger is explored in the context of relationships and tools for improving relationships will be provided. The goals of the 10-week program are:
• To increase awareness of anger expression patterns
• To learn how our anger experience is shaped by our development and what we can learn from our family and environment
• To identify current and past situations that fuel anger
• To identify responsibilities in the current anger situation that resulted in either a self or outside referral
• To develop specific ways to de-escalate potentially violent situations
• To decrease verbal and physical manifestations of anger, aggression, or violence while increasing awareness and acceptance of emotions

*Participants will receive a certificate of completion.

A new group starting September--register today!

Saturdays 11:00am-12:30pm; Manhattan Office

(Individual sessions available on Mondays-Saturdays Manhattan and Rockville Centre Offices)

Contact us to register and reserve your spot!

$60 per group session (each 10 week session)

$80 initial intake session (each participant is required to meet with the group facilitator prior to starting the group for 45 minutes)

How payment is collected:

The group fee is collected in 4 payments:

1st session $180 is collected;

4th session $120;

6th session $120;

8th session $180.

**Credit Card, Cash, and Check accepted at this time.

$125 for individual (one-on-one) sessions (45-minute sessions). Payment collected at each individual session.

Contact us today! (212) 537-9313 ext. 1
Reserve your spot today or to talk with a therapist regarding our other services.
email: cari@couplesandfamilies.com