November 12, 2007 newsletter

Relationship Solutions E-Newsletter

Table of Content

I. Message from the Director

II.  Announcements

III.  Featured Article

IV. Upcoming Events

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Message from the Director

Welcome to Relationship Solutions e-Newsletter, a resource created to help individuals, couples and families improve their relationships. Every month you will find effective tools for building the kind of relationship that works, and feel confident about how to make the changes you need.

With Thanksgiving less than two weeks away and the holiday season on its way, there is much to be thankful and excited about.  However, this time of year can also be very stressful on a person in many ways.  If you are stressed, it is going to have an impact on your overall health and your relationships.  When your relationships are in distress your emotional well being will be too.  It can be a vicious cycle and truly make this holiday season one that you wish would just pass by as quickly as possible.  This stinks!  We should be able to enjoy this time of year.  What other time of year do you get to be with people you care about, enjoy great food, and get time off from work?  It does not happen often enough so we should be thankful for when that time is here.  If we can make a small change and impact those around us in a more positive way, it can make a difference in this holiday season for all involved.  Lately my motto has been, “slow down and things will happen.”  It is true!  I keep telling myself this and it is really working.  I am excited to move into, what can be a crazy time of year, with this new attitude.  I know that my new attitude has helped me to mentally slow down and smile more often.   Other areas of my life have improved as well, like my work performance, my relationship with my family and in the care of my puppy.  So, I encourage all of you to try out my new motto or find one that works for you.  Stay positive this holiday season and you will be wishing it had not gone by so quickly, unless you are one of those who can’t wait for summer to return! 

This edition of Relationship Solutions focuses on dealing with your most important relationships in an effective way this holiday season.  We hope you find the tips on how to handle difficult situations useful and that you have much success.  Wishing all a Peaceful Thanksgiving and Holidays! 

Best Regards,

Cari Sans

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Announcements

Dear friends, colleagues and clients,

As the Founder and Director of Counseling Corner for Marriage and Family Therapy, P.C., I would like to announce that we have recently hired Andrea Wilkinson Ohle, M.S., M.A, one of our current psychotherapists, as our Communications Director.  Andrea comes to us with a background in communications and was excited to be able to combine her two worlds.  Andrea has already been working hard to build relationships and to educate the community about our services and the profession of  Marriage and Family Therapy.  Andrea is currently working on establishing a Pre-Marital Program and creating ways to get this information to those who need it most.  We are very excited to have her in this new role  and look forward to building relationships in the community.  Andrea can be reached at (516) 665-7889 ext. 2 or email at andrea@couplesandfamilies.com for all media/press related matters.  Congratulations Andrea!

Sincerely,

Cari L. Sans, M.A., LMFT 

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Featured Article

Thanksgiving Tips

The leaves are beginning to fall and the air is becoming crisp—yep, it’s that time of year for the annual Thanksgiving meal.  For some, the thought of Tom Turkey roasting in the oven is a delicious vision, and is a time to relax, reflect, and give thanks.  However, for others the anxiety around the gathering of family members can be extremely stressful.  It might be helpful to discuss a couple of common family issues that tend to rear their ugly heads around the dinner table at this time.  Buckle your seatbelts and pass the mashed potatoes, here we go!

Imagine you are an unmarried mid-twenty-something who has dated but not gotten serious with anyone, choosing to focus on your career.  You’re sitting at the table with great uncle so-and-so who drills you about your love life and when you are going to “settle down.” This line of questioning creates anxiety for you as you are not comfortable in discussing your love life at the dinner table.  How does one handle this scenario with dignity?   

First, we must appreciate where uncle So-and-So learned about life cycle changes (such as marriage) and apply value and respect to his idea.  Somewhere in his development he may have learned that getting married before the quarter of a century mark was important—and that’s okay for him.  To uncle, tying the knot may be a priority—after all, he married Great Aunt Gertie when he was 23 and has spent the past 40 years in wedded bliss.   

Second, you might want to answer his question without defensiveness, but honestly and with intent to draw a boundary as to what you are and are not willing to discuss.  You might try something like, “Uncle So-and-So, I appreciate your interest in my life.  I choose to focus on my career right now, and this is bringing my great joy at this time.  As soon as there is someone special in my life, I will be happy to share my news with the family.” 

There.  You respected Uncle So-and So’s position, yet you were true to yourself, respectful in your response and clear about your boundary.  Now let’s try a slightly more complicated scenario: 

There has been a family feud between brothers Tim and John.  Although all family members have been invited to the meal you are now attending, the two brothers do not show.  Other family members begin to gossip about events revolving around the feud, and they attempt to involve you in the kibitzer by asking you your opinion on the matter. 

You may be tempted state your thoughts about the actions of either Tim or John, but be careful of becoming triangled in.  You may unknowingly be promoting an alliance with either one of the men, and thus be seen as siding with one.  This may be contradictory to your sister’s opinion—who is sitting next to you with a full glass of red wine thank you very much.  Now, you and sister get into a verbal altercation as you differ in opinions, and resentment builds between you and sister and then you two give each other the silent treatment for the rest of the evening.  Or, sister is a bit of a hothead and decides to pour her glass of red wine all over your new off-white cashmere sweater.  Either way, the outcome is hostile. 

How to handle this scenario with dignity?  Try something like, “I would rather not get involved with this conversation, as I respect both men and their decisions to not attend,” or “I sure do miss seeing Tim and John at this time of year.  However, I respect their reasons for not coming.” 

Certainly there are a myriad of different scenarios that may apply to your specific family dynamics and we can only cover a short list here.  The key is to find the balance between being true to yourself and your beliefs while respecting other’s points of view.  Hopefully this will help you achieve and maintain harmony in your relationships with other family members.   

If all heck breaks loose at the dinner table, excuse yourself and find a place to meditate—and remember to breath (smell the flowers, then blow out the candles.)   

Best of luck in your upcoming family gatherings.     

Comments or suggestions? Email andrea@couplesandfamilies.com.

Tips to keep in mind throughout the holiday event:

• De-stress, de-stress, de-stress.  Find a few moments before and if need be, between courses to breath.  A large family gathering can quickly become overwhelming whether you are the host or an attendee.  Try counting backward from 10 to one while focusing on a peaceful place, like a brook or the waves of the ocean. You could also try yoga breathing: inhale for two counts then slowly exhale for four counts (Smell the flowers, blow out the candles.)

• Manage expectations.  Chances are you know the personalities of the attendees, making you aware of what to expect from each.  Getting a picture in your head of what might be said from each might help you prepare your responses.  Be careful to balance this management of expectations with becoming overly defensive.

• Reframe.  If someone’s comment rubs you the wrong way, try to find a positive in it.  For example, in the above example, Uncle So-and-So may be perceived as invasive, however, a positive might be that he cares enough about you to show interest and inquire about your life.

• Focus.  Often times it is helpful to focus on one person.  For example, if you are truly dreading attending the event, you might try focusing on catching up with your favorite cousin.  Focusing on conversation with this relative might help you look more positively on the upcoming gathering.  Or, try focusing on the meaning of Thanksgiving and count your blessings that have occurred throughout the year.

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Upcoming Events

10-Week Anger Group in the Manhattan Office

We are planning on starting another 10-week anger management group at our Manhattan office before the end of the year.  If you are interested in this group, please contact our Intake Coordinator at (212) 537-9313 ext. 1 to reserve a spot today. 

Learn effective tools for dealing with anger in your relationships. Anger is an emotion that we all experience when we feel vulnerable or attacked. The group will teach you effective ways for managing and expressing anger. Anger is explored in the context of relationships and tools for improving relationships will be provided. The goals of the 10-week program are:
• To increase awareness of anger expression patterns
• To learn how our anger experience is shaped by our development and what we can learn from our family and environment
• To identify current and past situations that fuel anger
• To identify responsibilities in the current anger situation that resulted in either a self or outside referral
• To develop specific ways to de-escalate potentially violent situations
• To decrease verbal and physical manifestations of anger, aggression, or violence while increasing awareness and acceptance of emotions

*Participants will receive a certificate of completion.
 

Fees:
$60 per group session
$80 for initial intake (required for participation)
*$125 for individual , couple or family (one-on-one) sessions (45-minute sessions)

*available in Manhattan and LI office
 

Contact us today! (212) 537-9313 ext. 1
Reserve your spot today for next 2007 Anger Management Group or to talk with a therapist regarding our other services.
email: cari@couplesandfamilies.com