Marriage and Family Counseling New York Long Island Manhattan

Greetings! I would like to welcome you all back to our fall edition of Relationship Solutions. I also want to warmly welcome our many new subscribers. It has been quite a number of weeks since our last edition. Honestly, I have been a bit preoccupied these days as my husband and I are expecting our first child. We are very excited as we prepare for his arrival next month. As the weeks begin to wind down, I am finding myself more and more wanting to just nest at home.

Going through this experience with my husband has been extremely helpful to me in understanding relationships better. When two people feel connected, have a shared goal and are thoughtful and considerate to each other—the relationship flourishes. It is however, much more complex than described. We actually work at being this way with one another because we value our relationship. We create our relationship, which takes intention and greater awareness.

This edition focuses on the concept of safety and how to create intention. If we value our relationships, we need to demonstrate this and not take any moment for granted, or lose sight of what it takes to make it work.

When I think of safety and relationships, I also think of intimacy. We need to feel safe in order to be intimate with others. Feeling safe in our relationships allows us to grow as individuals and for the relationship to reach new heights. The freedom we feel at the height of a healthy relationship is exciting; it allows you to address your needs and to know they will be acknowledged. It allows for the space so that the other person’s needs are appreciated and there are few power struggles. This type of exchange and reciprocity in a relationship is the essence of safety and provides the fertile ground for healthy relationships to develop.

Relationships don’t always start off feeling safe and we often spend time getting to know a person by participating in a friendly exchange of information with one another. We eventually start to feel good and our defenses come down and we become open to more exchanges, often sharing more deeply each time. It is at this point that we feel safe and can feel each other drawing closer or becoming more intimate. Unfortunately when we open ourselves up in such a manner we are susceptible to the potential dangers of being hurt. For some, this sense of safety can last a long time and for others it is short-lived. When two people allow negativity to enter the relationship the latter will happen. Actions that are hurtful contribute to the breakdown and impede on the growth of a relationship.

Misunderstandings, bad communication, contempt, stonewalling and exits (affairs, or other escapes from the relationship such as hobbies, work, television viewing), are all examples that contribute to the breakdown of the safety in a relationship. In couples therapy we look at the rules for fighting and if a couple fights fairly or do they demonstrate micro-aggressions toward one another (verbal or non-verbal), for example rolling of the eyes or turning one’s head when their partner is talking. Are you making deposits or withdrawals in your marriage account?

To create and maintain safety in your relationships, consider making more deposits. Become aware of how you fight and whether you are being fair. Do you name call, use sarcasm, scream or yell? Are you spending time with this person or being considerate. If you were to scan your relationships and consider which ones feel safer than others, which ones would they be? Do you feel closer to that person? Is it a relationship you are happy with? Think about what is different in this relationship that makes it safe and tells you that it is good.

· Set time aside to talk with someone you want to create a healthier relationship with.

· Make an appointment to talk about some things that have either been on your mind or just sincerely want to get to know this person better. Use the following tools for creating a safe dialogue:

1^st: Take turns being the speaker/listener—don’t talk over the other, put your thoughts/feelings to the side and genuinely LISTEN.

2nd: Use “I” messages. For example; “I feel sad, when you don’t call me.”

3rd: Validate—ask yourself if it makes sense what the other is saying based on what they think and feel. This is no way means or requires you to agree. Tell the person they make sense.

4^th: Empathize with what the other is saying. Put yourself in his/her shoes for a moment and guess what they are feeling. Tell them how you imagine they must feel. *This helps create that connection and sense of safety for the other.

5^th: Stay calm and try not to get triggered to respond with old, negative responses.

Comments or questions? Email us at info@couplesandfamilies.com.

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Take advantage of this time of getting back into the groove of things and put some attention on your relationships. CCMFT is offering two great programs that will help you to create successful relationships. Start by choosing either our Marriage Prep/Pre-Marital Program for couples who are engaged to be married, considering marriage, have been married and need to get back to the basics, or just want help with their relationship. This is a 10 session structured program that will keep you focused and provide sustainable results. We also offer a 10 session Anger Management Program that will give you the support you need to better understand the role of anger in your life and relationships. We take our clients through a series of sessions that build on one another through exercises, exploration and hands-on practice of better relating skills.

Marriage Prep: A Toolbox for Today’s Couples

Our new premarital program (but not just for newlyweds) is a culmination of years of experience in helping folks prepare for and maintain healthy marriages. This 10-session program gives you the beginner’s tools that most likely no one ever told you about—it is a toolbox of topics that newlyweds commonly present in couples treatment. It is also a great program for couples that need to go back to the basics.

Here is your chance to get a head start and likely avoid or greatly reduce many newlywed arguments! With our program, you and your partner can get off to a terrific start—and the honeymoon may not ever end!

• Identify family of origin issues that impact your relationship

• Assess your couple traits and how these may affect your marriage

• Learn healthy ways to build relationships with in-laws

• Gain tools to effectively deal with popular topics in new marriages including communication, sex and money

• Learn how to establish healthy boundaries in your marriage

*It is important to note that while we do not have a religious piece to the program, the topic is one that can be included if the client desires.

Let us help you and your partner begin your journey of commitment on a healthy track.

Contact us today for information about fees and meeting locations. If you are unable to attend group sessions, or desire a more personalized format, we can customize the program to weekly sessions for you and your partner.

$100-$135 for individual (one-on-one) sessions (45-minute sessions). Payment collected at each individual session. *Discounts available for upfront payments of 10 sessions program.

$600 for 10 week GROUP program *when groups apply.

*Payment plans available for all groups.

$125 initial intake session (each client/couple is required to meet with the group facilitator prior to starting the group for 45 minutes)

**Credit Card, Cash, and Check accepted at this time.

Contact us today! (212) 537-9313 or (516) 665-7889 ext. 1
Reserve your spot today or to talk with a therapist regarding our other services.
email: info@couplesandfamilies.com

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Learn effective tools for dealing with anger in your relationships. Anger is an emotion that we all experience when we feel vulnerable or attacked. The group will teach you effective ways for managing and expressing anger. Anger is explored in the context of relationships and tools for improving relationships will be provided. The goals of the 10-week program are:

• To increase awareness of anger expression patterns
• To learn how our anger experience is shaped by our development and what we can learn from our family and environment
• To identify current and past situations that fuel anger
• To identify responsibilities in the current anger situation that resulted in either a self or outside referral
• To develop specific ways to de-escalate potentially violent situations
• To decrease verbal and physical manifestations of anger, aggression, or violence while increasing awareness and acceptance of emotions

*Participants will receive a certificate of completion.