The Cost of Couples Therapy Delay: Why Waiting Worsens Disconnection

Marital Disconnection as Default

Marriage can be hard.

We can become consumed by a litany of issues that keep the two of you more disconnected than connected. There are disagreements, defensiveness, explanations, justifications, attacks, and shutdowns. All of these reactions can become part of a vicious loop—each of you reacting from self-protection rather than connection.

Sometimes it's not so bad. However, the pattern often picks back up again. Over time, the unresolved pain adds up—and so does the resentment. Until one day, it feels impossible to move back toward connection. And at least one person is emotionally out the door.

As a therapist, I've been seeing more of this in the past few years than in the two decades before.

Couples wait.

 They wait until the conflict is unbearable.

 They wait until one partner has mentally checked out.

 They wait until the hurt is so deep, the distance so wide, that hope feels like a lie.

And when they finally come in, it's often with one partner desperate to save the relationship—and the other already halfway gone.

Why do people wait so long? Research tells us this isn't uncommon.

According to Dr. John Gottman, couples typically wait an average of six years from the onset of serious relationship problems before seeking help (Gottman & Gottman, 2015). By that time, negative patterns are deeply ingrained, and the emotional bank account is often depleted.

Sometimes, both people want to try, even if they're not hopeful. And that's a couple I can help. But other times, one person is just going through the motions—like they're dropping their partner off at therapy while emotionally checking out.

They might want to say they tried.

However, without each person being willing to do their part—to reflect on how they got here, take ownership of their role, and begin healing the relational wounds—the chances of proper repair diminish greatly.

A 2011 meta-analysis on couples therapy outcomes found that mutual commitment and motivation to change are key predictors of successful treatment (Lebow et al., 2012).

I've lived through relationship breakdown myself.

It's why I'm so passionate about helping couples stop the slow slide toward disconnection. I know firsthand how painful it is to feel like repair is out of reach—and what can happen when help doesn't come in time.

So, here's my advice:

Don't wait until it's too late.

Start addressing the patterns in your relationship before they become your new normal. Learn how you each cope with stress, how those strategies clash, and what actually helps restore connection instead of widening the gap.

When we're reactive, we go into self-protective mode—and in that space, we lose access to empathy, curiosity, and vulnerability. But vulnerability is essential for connection (Brown, 2012). When we stay armored, we stay alone.

Suggestions for Couples

1. Learn your pattern

    Identify your reactive cycle. Do you shut down while your partner pursues? Do you both escalate? Naming it is step one.

2. Own your part

   Stop blaming. Get clear about your needs and learn to communicate them calmly and consistently.

3. Understand your insecurities

   Your attachment wounds and protective strategies are likely fueling the loop. Get curious—not judgmental—about them.

4. Mind your wounds—and your partner's

   Emotional safety is a shared responsibility. Respect each other's triggers without weaponizing them.

5. Have the hard conversations—regularly

   Avoidance creates distance. Brave, consistent dialogue builds trust.

6. Invest in your relational skillset

   Learn to repair after conflict, practice emotional attunement, and build rituals of connection. The strongest relationships are not conflict-free—they're resilient.

If this resonates, I'd love to send you my free guide:

The Relationship Reset Framework — Three Shifts to Move from Conflict Back to Love.

Click [HERE] to get your free copy and start down this path now.

You don't have to do this alone.

But don't wait until you believe it's already too late.

References

• Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.

• Lebow, J., Chambers, A., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. M. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–168.

• Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.