The Silent Killer of Relationships: How to Overcome Stonewalling

In the final installment of our series on the Gottman Institute's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, we're tackling one of the most damaging patterns in relationships: stonewalling. If criticism, contempt, and defensiveness set the stage for conflict, stonewalling is the act of shutting the conversation down entirely. It's like putting up an emotional brick wall—one that prevents resolution, intimacy, and connection.

What is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction, either physically or emotionally, instead of engaging in the conversation. It might look like:

• Walking away in the middle of an argument

• Giving the silent treatment

• Responding with short, dismissive answers

• Avoiding eye contact or turning away

• Distracting oneself with the phone, TV, or other tasks

Often, stonewalling is a response to feeling overwhelmed. Dr. John Gottman calls this "flooding"—when emotions become so intense that the nervous system goes into a fight-flight-freeze response. Rather than fight, the stonewaller chooses to freeze or flee. While it may seem like an attempt to keep the peace, it actually escalates disconnection and frustration.

Why is Stonewalling So Harmful?

Stonewalling sends the message: "You don't matter enough for me to engage." Over time, this creates deep wounds in the relationship, leading to:

• Emotional abandonment – The ignored partner feels rejected, alone, and unheard.

• Increased resentment – Problems go unresolved, building frustration and bitterness.

• Breakdown of trust and intimacy – A relationship cannot thrive without open communication.

How to Break the Cycle of Stonewalling

The good news? Stonewalling can be addressed, and relationships can heal with intentional change. Here's how:

1. Recognize the Signs

If you or your partner tend to stonewall, awareness is the first step. Notice when you start to feel overwhelmed and your instinct is to shut down.

2. Take a Break—But Do It the Right Way

Rather than abruptly shutting down, communicate your need for space. Couples therapist Terry Real calls this an "intentional time out." Try saying:

"I'm feeling overwhelmed and need a 20-minute break to calm down. I promise we'll come back to this."

Then, actually return to the conversation once you've regulated your emotions.

3. Practice Self-Soothing Techniques

Since stonewalling is often a reaction to stress, learning to calm your nervous system is crucial. Try:

• Deep breathing

• Going for a short walk

• Listening to calming music

• Journaling your thoughts before responding

4. Make Repair Attempts

If stonewalling has hurt your partner, acknowledge it. A simple "I know I shut down earlier, and I don't want to do that. Let's talk." can rebuild connection.

5. Work on Emotional Safety in Your Relationship

Often, stonewalling happens because conversations feel too emotionally charged. Build a culture of gentle start-ups (instead of criticism), active listening, and emotional support to create a safer space for communication.

Moving Toward Connection

Stonewalling may seem like a way to protect yourself from conflict, but in reality, it only deepens disconnection. The antidote is learning to self-soothe, communicate openly, and repair ruptures. By breaking the stonewalling cycle, you and your partner can create a relationship built on trust, understanding, and emotional safety.

If you've been struggling with stonewalling or other communication challenges, you're not alone. Let's work together to shift these patterns and bring more connection into your relationship. Schedule a free Get to Know Me Call today!